Mid Winter Hibernation & Healing

monarch butterfly

Varicose Veins are another of the delightful things I inherited from my Father – together with his nose, long, gaunt face, hair trigger temper and belief that I know best about all things.  There isn’t much I can do about my nose or the shape of my face, I have worked very hard on my arrogance, unasked for offering of advice and my anger and temper.  My personality has changed, but the physical attributes remained.  When I first saw myself in profile aged 15 I was devastated and begged my Mother for a nose job when I turned 18.  It never eventuated.

And after years of aching, itchy, legs and never being able to bare my legs in public in the summer, I decided to put myself in the hands of a vascular surgeon.  Luckily she was a lady and a nice one at that.  She listened to my horror of anaesthetics, scalpels and hospitals, and made me feel safe.

I went on a waiting list that was anticipated to be at least 6 months, and forgot about it.  Then came a phone call – could I commit to a slot in 10 days time as Wauchope Hospital had had a cancellation.  Ged agreed to be home and I grabbed it.  Better to be sick and wearing support stockings mid winter!  Then there was a huge debate about my refusal to have an epidural.  Some people are scared of flying, some of horses, some of heights – for me it is epidurals.  There’s no way anyone is going to stick a huge needle down into my spinal cord.  Ugh!

Finally the anaesthetist agreed to a General Anaesthetic for me and I was booked in.  Rather like childbirth, it is a good thing I had no idea what I was in for beforehand!

Up really early on the Friday morning and drove myself and JP to Wauchope, for him to drive the car back home.  Nil by mouth and all that, but clutching my thermos of tea for after the op.  The hospital was extremely efficient and everything happened very quickly.  I was first up so straight into the hospital gown, the anaesthetist came to meet me and I made him PROMISE not to do an epidural (!) and then the surgeon came to mark up my legs.  Quick as a flash I was in pre-theatre and needled and the next thing I knew I was out, freezing cold, teeth chattering and nurses flitting around me asking about pain and temperature and trying to stabilise me.  Then I was out in the day surgery warmth and drinking my tepid tea before staggering into the loo to get dressed.  In and out must be their motto because they rang Ged to come and take me away before lunch and he decided to take me straight home.

Of course I was flying from the anaesthetic for days.  We had our big mid-winter party on at the weekend so were surrounded by friends, and I mainly sat with my feet up in our newly configured sitting room, knitting. I even went for a walk on Saturday although that was pushing it!  I supped champagne and enjoyed being Queen for a few days.

When the drugs started wearing off my legs really ached and I wondered what on earth I had been thinking.  Then I really crashed with a temperature, throwing up and diarrhoea.  Not sure whether it was flu or opiate withdrawal.  Whatever, I was a groaning, shivering, blob under the duvet for 2 days.  Thank God Ged was there to keep the wheels turning while I hibernated.

It was great to be able to give in to my body’s demand for rest and recuperation, rather than forcing myself up to look after Ben, pushing myself beyond my limits as I have done so often over the last 5 years.

I knew when I decided to have my varicose veins ‘stripped’ that it was an outward, physical, manifestation of the inner work I have done over the last few years – letting go, forgiving, changing.  And in succumbing to the surgeon’s knife I was ripping out the old, outdated, gnarled and twisted that I no longer wanted or needed in my life.  Prescribing myself a new beginning.

Under the duvet I let go . . . I meditated on my last foray into a world of opiates and the heroin withdrawal I masterminded and oversaw for my friend.  I repeated silently to myself ‘I lovingly forgive and release the past’ as I slipped in and out of deep and dreamless sleep.

And I healed.  On all sorts of levels.  I rested.  I stopped cranking the handle and the world still turned . . . I gave myself permission to retreat, recuperate, be vulnerable and weak.  I let those who love me care for me and see the control freak felled to her knees – vulnerable and pathetic. It’s only me who has a problem with that!

And when I arose after my exile of travelling dark recesses of my soul and psyche and passaging in places of pain, I was different.  MUCH more relaxed, with my sense of humour returned to me (how I have missed you!), a sense of balance and proportion about work and play and a real readiness and willingness to listen to others, to learn at the feet of masters, and to give myself pleasure and nurture myself with the things and people I love.

And as I recognised that I needed to grow and change more, to journey along more challenging healing paths to the heart centre, I began to look for places and people to help me.  I found a book I have had since 2004 and have put off and off and off embarking on.  Sequel to the life changing ‘The Artist’s Way’ it is Julia Cameron’s ‘Vein of Gold’ which demands daily walks, morning pages and a voyage of self discovery through the trivialities, tedium and trauma of one’s past.

I pounced on the book like an old friend and readily committed to the journey.  Perfect winter work.  As we hibernate, heal, connect deeply with our most immediate family and friends and ourselves.   Mining ourselves for our riches, dreams and inspirations.  Plotting our futures and pathways to our goals as the winter winds howl and the cold scratches at the doors and windows with its icy fingers.

Winter is time for inner work and introspection, just as summer speaks of reaching out to friends and the world, partying and celebrating the warmth and fertility.  Just as the land sleeps and rests so must we.  It is good for me to finally learn to rest and not to be constantly questing, working, doing.  The seeds of deep change are being planted this wintertide, and despite my averse reaction to drugs, hospitals and surgery, I can see that science can complement metaphysics to effect deep change and transformation.

Will I submit for the other leg too . . .. ???!!!

Arthur, King of Avalon

Well that Mad Cow FINALLY had her baby!  Her udders were so swollen she could barely walk so Ged had a big chat to her when he fed her on Saturday night and said ‘that’s enough, Paddy, you’ve got to have that baby now.’  And when he woke up yesterday morning she was standing apart from the rest and looking a little strained so he went out to give her a hand.  Apparently the nose and hooves were out but Paddy was heaving so he got his hands in there and eased the head, neck and shoulders out.  The rest came out with just one push.  (Good that he is getting lots of practise!)  And we have a little bull for the farm.  Arthur, King of Avalon.  He’s VERY cute and cuddly with the longest, spikiest lashes you have ever seen.

So we wasted quite a lot of time oohing and aahing over him yesterday and making sure that he was on the udder and sucking properly – Ged had to help him get on the teat and work it all out.
Last week was pretty quiet – we had grey skies, wind and rain for Wednesday and Thursday and I took to my bed with a mean old cold.  I can’t work out whether I am exhausted and it’s finally caught up with me and now I am the incredible sleeping giant, or whether I am just trying to bank some sleep for the future . . . probably a bit of both!  It seems strange that after months of not sleeping properly, now that the head is engaged and all the books say I should be weeing more frequently and more uncomfortable at night etc, I am sleeping like a log!  Typical, contrary me!
Friday we had torrential rain and we both had plans to be in Port Macquarie.  Even though the rivers and creeks were rising we made the call to get in and get out as quickly as possible.  Ged was selling his car, so that couldn’t be put off, and I had to pick up the sander etc but the conditions were terrible so we really were running around!  We finally left Port Macquarie just after 4 and the closer we got to home, the less likely it seemed we would get in.  Every creek and causeway was flooded and we were in Ged’s new van which hasn’t had the suspension raised yet so we weren’t taking any chances . . . Sure enough, we got to Tom’s Creek and didn’t like the look of it.  Ged waded across to gauge the depth and flow and remove a lot of branches from the bridge (he was securely tied on to the car to do this – don’t try this at home!) and it was a foot deep and whereas that would have been fine in the Pajero or the Hilux we had just sold, no good for the Delica.  We need to toughen it up first!
So we decided to walk home and come back for the car in the morning (5kms).  We put on whatever waterproofs we had (Mel, you will be pleased to hear that the only hat Ged had in the car was his UK flat cap and since we have now discovered that it suits him, it has become a firm favourite, getting lots of wear this weekend!) and then were lucky enough to see a hitherto unmet neighbour on her way home and she drove us all the way to the Flying Fox.  Thank God, I was not looking forward to getting my feet wet and cold and then the long march home, especially when I was only just recovering from a cold.  The lovely Chris Latimore came and picked Ged up on Saturday morning and took him back to the car, so we are well served with kind and compassionate neighbours out here in the country!
Ged was sick on Saturday with some sort of horrible tummy bug so I dosed him all day with homeopathics and reiki, knowing he just needed a rest – he has been working really hard both during the week and at the weekends, so his body finally forced him to take it easy.  Thankfully he was better on Sunday though – lots to do!!!  He sanded back the floor in the baby’s room which is now looking and feeling lovely and I have got two coats of Tung Oil down so far.  In a couple of days we will have it all ready for the little man and then he can move in!