Tag Archives: positive thinking

A change of heart . . .

by . Posted on
09 Aug

Funny how the universe can keep presenting us with information and we turn our backs on it again and again . . . I first read Louise Hay’s ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ 20 years ago and it marked a huge shift in my understanding of the metaphysical nature of dis-ease, but I didn’t ‘get’ the central message about loving and healing yourself by changing your thinking . . . .

Then more than 6 months ago my wonderful psychologist suggested Louise’s ‘The Power is Within You’ which I began to read avidly, but again I didn’t really ‘get’ the idea and it all seemed sort of too hard, and not applicable to me somehow . . . I guess I was just more comfortable with my negativity, judgemental attitudes and self hatred . . .

So I put it down again and lost myself in a novel instead . . .

Last year Ben and I started seeing a new Bowen therapist, who is a Louise Hay teacher and facilitator and she lent me the Louise Hay ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ movie. It’s been sitting on the shelf for 8 or 9 months, but recently I felt guilty about how long I have had it for, and started making intentions to watch it. Finally I plonked Ged and I in front of the computer and said ‘we’re watching this’.

And a doorway opened in my head as I finally saw the wisdom inherent in changing my critical, damning, bullying thinking . . . and the light and love of Louise Hay penetrated my closed heart. They say that ‘when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.’ So I picked up the books again and read anew.

I started with ‘I am safe. All is well.’ And my shoulders dropped, my body started relaxing and I realised what a central issue this is for me, that I am scared and feel unsafe most of the time. The more affirmations I chose, the more I invented for myself and the happier I felt. After 40 something years of a postnasal drip, I checked out the cause and affirmation and started repeating the mantra, and I started to feel better in my body and in my life . . .

I have been feeling more relaxed, less stressed, more willing to have time for enjoyment and rest and have eased up on those around me. I have stopped my obsessive exercising and have experienced deep peace in my heart for days at a time. I am eating in a more balanced way, I am more aware of what I put in my mouth, of myself, my actions, thoughts and obsessive and unconscious habits.

I guess I am becoming gentler. I still find the mirror work really hard although sometimes at yoga I reach the zone where I can look into my eyes and love myself . . . I’ve always been better at picking on myself and others and beating myself up.

The initial bliss bubble wore off after a week or two and last week I felt very discombobulated, this week I lost my temper in a big way with our infuriating neighbour (an arrogant architect who lives in Sydney and knows everything about everything up here) and I felt a whole raft of unidentified emotions bubbling under the surface . . .

By yesterday I was starting to identify them as grief – grief that I have been so mean to myself for 40 something years, that I have tortured myself and picked on myself and literally eaten away at myself for so long. I was waiting for Ged to get home so I could take myself off into the shed and process in peace. Ben and I were having a fun day regardless although his whining and crankiness has been very frustrating of late. He refused to go to bed until Daddy got home and I didn’t argue, but he was super tired and over excited when Ged did walk in the door so he started mucking up as he often does at teeth cleaning – kicking and smacking Ged and general being silly. I shouldn’t have got involved, it was their problem, but even though I am advocating and striving for ‘the way of the peaceful parent’ somehow seeing Ged being so calm made me cranky and I wanted bedtime over and the day done, so I started taking control, being bossy and impatient and of course I made things worse, longer, and more drawn out.

I am ashamed to say that I finally lost my temper and there was a horrible scene reminiscent of my childhood when a beautiful small boy felt completely powerless and overpowered by the adults and his distress was enormous. When he smacked me I actually smacked him back and screamed ‘how does it feel?’ I am far from proud of myself and I cut off my three week www.theorangerhino.com arm band in my guilt and shame.

And then I wept and sobbed and howled and what came up for me was all those feelings of self hatred and worthlessness and being bad. They came up one after another in all their darkness and ugliness so I could take a good look at them. I was plunged into that old depression and despair, contemplating running away for ever (except the trailer was on the car full of mulch and so I couldn’t take my car) or killing myself and freeing my beautiful boys of the torment and me of the agony of being such a blight on the earth. One after one these emotions presented themselves to me in all their horror and diabolical allure, and my body shook and retched and writhed as I felt them one by one. These are the core beliefs that have been running my particular show for all these years – ugly, sad, horrible, every one.

At least I didn’t fall for them, I let them come, I didn’t buy into them as I have in the past. I must be getting better, a little more healed, a little less hurt. And the fact that they were so violent in their insistence means I must be threatening their existence with all this positive self talk and affirmation, I’d better keep it up despite feeling very fragile this morning . . .

This path of personal growth and change is a rocky and steep one. But there’s no turning back and I know now that I can leave hell behind if I persist. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful, forgiving, generous and kind man as my husband. And the most beautiful, light filled, angel as my child. Sent to save me, heal me, forgive me, and love me as I have never been loved before and to help me to love myself and become a better human being. I am so very blessed.

Our first Koala

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Our First Koala
27 Nov

We have to make a new enclosure for the Alpacas with a shelter so they can get out of the weather, so Ged has been up in the bush with Nathan, who is the fiance of Shannon who helps with Ben and Ben adores!  Shannon volunteers at the Koala Hospital and has worked in bush regeneration for years in Sydney so she is our resident expert on all things native.  When I found scat and scratches on trees a few months ago, she checked them out and confirmed they were koala marks and droppings.  I have since examined every tree I come across and according to the markings we are over-run with Koalas!  As I spend my life looking down at the ground checking out the grasses and weeds, and where to put my feet in case of snakes, I haven’t seen any . . . so I have been training myself to look up all the time but haven’t seen anything bear shaped.

But when the boys were up in the bush cutting down tallow woods and I had gone up to report another tractor fault (oh no, Mummy broke the tractor AGAIN!) Nathan spotted a koala watching in horror as they chopped down another major food tree.  The poor thing lost 6 trees from its home range that afternoon and now I have made Ged promise not to cut down any more tallow-woods, they are sacred trees at Avalon from this moment on . . .

Anyway, he was beautiful.  Not old and very healthy and just stunning to see one on our own property.  Incredibly exciting.  I had a koala as a small child (probably made of roo or wallaby  skin in those days) which I wore all the fur off with my loving.  I was as excited as any child to see this one (if only he would come down for a pat and a cuddle!)  Ben was nonplussed as he sees them at Billabong Koala Park all the time!
And it just goes to show the power of positive thinking and what you focus on comes to you . . . for 3 years I haven’t even thought about koalas but for the last three months I have been thinking about them, looking for them, calling to them in my mind . . . and now one answered that call!  thank you, Mr Koala . . .  here he is  . . .

The Roaring River and Whales

by . Posted on
09 Jun

We’ve been marooned again!

My neighbour, local weather guru, and early warning system, Pat Henry, rang at the weekend to warn of us of a major rain belt heading south from Tropical Queensland so we were on the alert (Pat is spot on with her predictions!).  So when I did my 3am wee on Monday night and it was raining I poked my better half awake to remind him that he had his car this side and not to blame me if he was flood bound in the morning.  He wasn’t, but by the end of that day after relentless rain all day, it was obvious that the river was on the up.  I left my car in Wauchope because it didn’t feel safe aquaplaning on my barely there tyres and got a lift home with George and we just made it in across the creeks.  Needless to say, Ged left his car out on Tuesday night and we woke to the roaring of the river on Wednesday morning – 12 feet below the last one but still a very sizeable flood.  So we played ‘marooned’ all day, cutting a swathe through our respective paperwork in the office and when it came time to feed Ged’s horses on ‘the other side’ the pregnant lady set off, with faithful hound at heel, to walk with two full feed buckets the 2.5kms to find the horses.   Went for a brisk trot around the track (pregnant lady on foot!) and then walked back with four empty feed buckets.  Long, long way!!
It was Ged’s birthday on Thursday so I gave him the day off work (!!) and booked us on a Whale Watching Tour  at 8am out of Port Macquarie, so we had an early start.  There was lots of hanging around scanning the sea for signs of life, and several sightings of pods blowing and breaching, but still not close enough for a real sense of the magnificence of the beasts, so I adopted my positive thinking and stood at the bow thinking ‘I see whales close to the boat’ for well over an hour.  Sure enough, just as we were about to turn for shore, we had a ‘close encounter’ with 3 humpback whales right under our noses at the bow and I had my first real whale sighting.  Wow!  Imagine if we had all been practising positive thinking . . . .
Ged has had amazing up close and personal whale experiences at Hervey Bay so he wasn’t as excited as me, but we had a lovely day with a warm-up breakfast in Port and then lots of clothes shopping to update his wardrobe (and a few things for me, too, since nothing seems to fit me anymore!)  On Friday I was able to pick up my car with its all new wheels (lovely!) and drive across the bridge again so we have spent the weekend in the garden planting bluebells and snowdrops, drastically pruning the roses over the septic, and relocating trees (again!)
We have had the list of suitable species from the Catchment Management Authority and have a visual plan of what to plant along the river banks to protect the banks and create a haven for birds and even koalas – it turns out that those bloody She Oaks (Casuarinas) are not even meant to be in this part of the Hastings valley Catchment Area – so we are completely justified in our plan to chop them down!  It’s very nice when our vision actually coincides with that of the Government and the Greenies (Melissa will be proud of us!)
Still waiting for Paddy to pop  . . . !

New Feline Family Member

by . Posted on
14 Apr

Just when things were getting back to normal, Ged went up the road to look at some wiring and came back with a new member of the Love family!

She is young, calm, easy going and cuddly and to ease her into Phoenix’s existence, we are only having her during the day at the office so we can gauge his reactions and tolerance levels.  He hasn’t been either excited by her or antagonistic but since his stress levels are still pretty high after the comings and goings around the wedding and the trauma of 12 days in doggy prison, best to go slow and tread carefully.
I wasn’t particularly enamoured of her at first, although Ged seems to have fallen very hard.  But she’s growing on me, and wheedling her way into my affections, so I know resistance is futile!
But let’s face it, I loved Tom so much and while I have desperately wanted another cat, I am loathe to let anyone take his place in my affections.  I feel disloyal to his memory if I fall for this little Tiger.  But a house always feels so much more like a home when there’s a cat waiting there for you.
She hasn’t taken long to make friends of us all and sure enough she came home before the weekend . . . she’s pretty content with her new-found family and warm, cosy home.
The deluge has begun again.  Everyone keeps commenting that March was, indeed, a miracle!  We lay the credit at ‘the power of positive thinking’ – we were determined that it wouldn’t rain in March, we kept saying so, we decided to believe so, and our thought shaped our reality.  We also said we didn’t care what it did in April . . . now that was foolish!  My sunny resolve and relaxed mindset is giving way to Eeyore-like gloom as we face day after day after relentless day of torrential rain.
Of course, the other problem is that I haven’t got anything to WEAR!  I grew out of jeans and their ilk weeks ago, and my elasticated waisted summer pants are way too cold for the Comboyne climate so I am in mini-skirts, tights and boots (they must be the mini skirts from my fat days!) and I can’t see me squeezing into those for much more than a month!  I have taken to riffling through my wardrobe every morning and trying to put together creative, comfortable clothing solutions that don’t make me look like a fat frump!  I have been fashioning fashion from things that haven’t seen the light of day for 15 years!
It was much easier in Fiji where a sarong or sulu hid all lumps, bumps and burgeoning belly!  Oh well, as soon as we have made some moolah again I guess I can go shopping!
Mischa, making herself very much at home . . . .