A change of heart . . .

Funny how the universe can keep presenting us with information and we turn our backs on it again and again . . . I first read Louise Hay’s ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ 20 years ago and it marked a huge shift in my understanding of the metaphysical nature of dis-ease, but I didn’t ‘get’ the central message about loving and healing yourself by changing your thinking . . . .

Then more than 6 months ago my wonderful psychologist suggested Louise’s ‘The Power is Within You’ which I began to read avidly, but again I didn’t really ‘get’ the idea and it all seemed sort of too hard, and not applicable to me somehow . . . I guess I was just more comfortable with my negativity, judgemental attitudes and self hatred . . .

So I put it down again and lost myself in a novel instead . . .

Last year Ben and I started seeing a new Bowen therapist, who is a Louise Hay teacher and facilitator and she lent me the Louise Hay ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ movie. It’s been sitting on the shelf for 8 or 9 months, but recently I felt guilty about how long I have had it for, and started making intentions to watch it. Finally I plonked Ged and I in front of the computer and said ‘we’re watching this’.

And a doorway opened in my head as I finally saw the wisdom inherent in changing my critical, damning, bullying thinking . . . and the light and love of Louise Hay penetrated my closed heart. They say that ‘when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.’ So I picked up the books again and read anew.

I started with ‘I am safe. All is well.’ And my shoulders dropped, my body started relaxing and I realised what a central issue this is for me, that I am scared and feel unsafe most of the time. The more affirmations I chose, the more I invented for myself and the happier I felt. After 40 something years of a postnasal drip, I checked out the cause and affirmation and started repeating the mantra, and I started to feel better in my body and in my life . . .

I have been feeling more relaxed, less stressed, more willing to have time for enjoyment and rest and have eased up on those around me. I have stopped my obsessive exercising and have experienced deep peace in my heart for days at a time. I am eating in a more balanced way, I am more aware of what I put in my mouth, of myself, my actions, thoughts and obsessive and unconscious habits.

I guess I am becoming gentler. I still find the mirror work really hard although sometimes at yoga I reach the zone where I can look into my eyes and love myself . . . I’ve always been better at picking on myself and others and beating myself up.

The initial bliss bubble wore off after a week or two and last week I felt very discombobulated, this week I lost my temper in a big way with our infuriating neighbour (an arrogant architect who lives in Sydney and knows everything about everything up here) and I felt a whole raft of unidentified emotions bubbling under the surface . . .

By yesterday I was starting to identify them as grief – grief that I have been so mean to myself for 40 something years, that I have tortured myself and picked on myself and literally eaten away at myself for so long. I was waiting for Ged to get home so I could take myself off into the shed and process in peace. Ben and I were having a fun day regardless although his whining and crankiness has been very frustrating of late. He refused to go to bed until Daddy got home and I didn’t argue, but he was super tired and over excited when Ged did walk in the door so he started mucking up as he often does at teeth cleaning – kicking and smacking Ged and general being silly. I shouldn’t have got involved, it was their problem, but even though I am advocating and striving for ‘the way of the peaceful parent’ somehow seeing Ged being so calm made me cranky and I wanted bedtime over and the day done, so I started taking control, being bossy and impatient and of course I made things worse, longer, and more drawn out.

I am ashamed to say that I finally lost my temper and there was a horrible scene reminiscent of my childhood when a beautiful small boy felt completely powerless and overpowered by the adults and his distress was enormous. When he smacked me I actually smacked him back and screamed ‘how does it feel?’ I am far from proud of myself and I cut off my three week www.theorangerhino.com arm band in my guilt and shame.

And then I wept and sobbed and howled and what came up for me was all those feelings of self hatred and worthlessness and being bad. They came up one after another in all their darkness and ugliness so I could take a good look at them. I was plunged into that old depression and despair, contemplating running away for ever (except the trailer was on the car full of mulch and so I couldn’t take my car) or killing myself and freeing my beautiful boys of the torment and me of the agony of being such a blight on the earth. One after one these emotions presented themselves to me in all their horror and diabolical allure, and my body shook and retched and writhed as I felt them one by one. These are the core beliefs that have been running my particular show for all these years – ugly, sad, horrible, every one.

At least I didn’t fall for them, I let them come, I didn’t buy into them as I have in the past. I must be getting better, a little more healed, a little less hurt. And the fact that they were so violent in their insistence means I must be threatening their existence with all this positive self talk and affirmation, I’d better keep it up despite feeling very fragile this morning . . .

This path of personal growth and change is a rocky and steep one. But there’s no turning back and I know now that I can leave hell behind if I persist. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful, forgiving, generous and kind man as my husband. And the most beautiful, light filled, angel as my child. Sent to save me, heal me, forgive me, and love me as I have never been loved before and to help me to love myself and become a better human being. I am so very blessed.

The Darkest Day

Ged and I had a huge row.  And after we had time to think and review and lick our wounds we had a very painful conversation in which I really saw that my anger and rage and railing against everyone and the world is intolerable.  So destructive.  And I knew deep down in my being that I needed help.  I have spent 14 years on the mat or on the punch bag and STILL I am angry.  15 years running and STILL I am angry.  The door of my blame was swung wide open and I saw that it was only me to blame for all that was wrong in our marriage and my life.  It wasn’t a pretty sight.

In fact, I was so devastated by the picture I saw of myself that I truly believed that there was no place for me in this world.  That Ged and Ben would be better off and happier without me.  I felt that I was so difficult to love, and so little loved by so very few, that somehow it would be kinder to all not to have to struggle with me and my emotional tornadoes any more.  God knows I have long wanted a rest from them myself and have begged for the burden of this anger to be taken from me.

I was so raw but also still so frustrated with myself, the situation, Ben, everything.  Shannon and Nathan came and to my great shame when Ben was (yet again!) putting stones down the pipe into the septic I snapped and grabbed him by one arm and hoisted him up in the air and then plonked him down on the ground 4 metres away.  It was exactly the sort of thing my parents would have done.  The only thing that was missing was the stinging smack.  But the energy was the same.  And that beautiful boy doesn’t deserve that, he deserves so much better than a mother like me.  I see so clearly that he could have someone young and pretty and joyful and light filled.  Instead he has got me.  I have already damaged him, and I don’t want to any more.  I want him to retain his crystalline goodness and beauty and his angelic love.  Please don’t let him be polluted by me and all my bile and rage and spite.

So I went for a run all churning up inside with such self hatred and self disgust, such sorrow and pain, such self loathing, fear for the future and despair at myself and the chaos I have created.  I only got as far as the Angle Creek ridge before I had to sit down and howl.  And it was then that it became clear to me that there was no place for me in this world.  It’s by far from the first time I have felt this but I hope it will be the last.  I decided to go up the logging track above the Eyrie and find a tree.  Of course it wouldn’t be today because I didn’t have a rope but at least I could make a plan.  And so I stumbled with every step, blinded by tears and despair at this being I was whose only peace was in letting go of life and all the things that I love the most and have made me the most fulfilled and happy – my husband, my beautiful boy and my land.

When I got up to the top I found such incredible beauty and peace.  Boulders and cliff faces tumbling down into a flora filled abyss, trickling streams from the deluges we have just experienced, and such serenity.  And there was I in my darkness looking for the perfect place to put an end to my sorrow once and for all.  Looking for a place to die.

The difficulties are immense.  I didn’t want to damage or harm my beautiful angelic boy so best to do it while he is so young and won’t remember his Mama who loves him so much.  I didn’t want to be found by anybody so that they would be traumatised by the experience.  I didn’t want to hang.  I had my lovely wool jumper around my waist and realisd I could use that so I fashioned a slip knot around my neck and boulder hopped looking for the perfect tree, the perfect spot.  There were plenty of places.  And my mind had become quite clinical and calculating about the whole thing.  I can’t now believe that I walked around for so long with a noose around my neck.  I don’t know what stopped me there and then but I decided to walk on to the area I had earlier envisaged as the ‘right one’.  In the walking I removed the jumper from my neck and somehow found a little peace and respite.  I think I thought ‘tomorrow’.

So I kept walking up the narrow track Judy had worn on her Vision Quest to find the open area she had told Ged about.  It was there, on the other side of a fence, bathed in sunlight and sheltered from the wind.  A little clearing in the forest.  I found a spot and lay down to rest, exhausted.

And felt the peace and warmth of the sun penetrate my cold body and soul and light and life re-enter me.  I felt healing angel hands of love and light soothe me, stroke me, heal me.  And finally after all my pleading over the last few years (‘take this cup from me’) that this rage and darkness be removed from me, I saw and felt it lifted away.

And I felt peace.  In my heart, in my soul, in every cell of my body and I knew I had the strength to return to my life, resolved that I and it would be different.  I had seen myself in all my truth and it was a horrible sight.  Somehow I had to pick myself up and piece together a way of being and living in spite of my horror at who I was and have the honesty to try and fabricate a new path out of the ravages of the old.  Somewhere in me there is a goodness and a love and a heart and if I can hold on tight to those and if not forgive myself for all the rest but at least let them fall away and hope that others can forgive me.  I have been the monster my mother called me in my teenage years, I see that now.  (She was right! )  But just like an addict who finally wakes up to herself (and I am an addict, after all) and sees the damage and destruction she has wrought and goes forth to carve a new path, so too can I.  I don’t know how.  I feel very shaky – my world has been rocked to its foundations and there is very little of the old me I can take forward from this point on but I have to be brave enough to find a way.  One day at a time.  With an open and humble heart, an open mind and a willingness to see and embrace opportunities to change and grow and become a better, kinder, nicer, more loving, giving and whole person.  For my own happiness, for my husband, my marriage, my son.  And just hope that they can forgive me all the pain and sorrow I have caused them, please forget who I was, and love me enough to hold my hand as I walk forward seeking a new way to be.