Another Rite of Passage

My parents have sold their house and moved out.  Not the home we all lived in as children – there were far too many of those.  As army brats we moved around a lot.  My parents bought, renovated and sold some stunning homes but we were only in them for a few years, and of course we had our fair share of army ‘quarters’ or basic brick boxes.  And then we had two long term homes.  Shore House where we spent our pre teen and teenage years, in beautiful Bosham.  This was the last house we all lived in as a family before maturity (or lack of it!) scattered us to the four winds, careers, countries and relationships.

18 years ago my parents bought Home Farm House.  I wasn’t there for the purchase or the move – but that’s pretty normal!  Many’s the time we’ve come home for school holidays, half term or an exeat weekend to a new home!  I well remember taking two school friends to Five Trees and spending much of the weekend throwing buckets of hot soapy water on a floor and chipping the plaster off to reveal the 16th Century flagstones beneath.

When I went to Boarding School for the first time the beautiful Hill House, where we were all so happy, was packed up and sold.  I lost my leased horse, paddock, room to roam on Frensham Common where I learned to ride and ice skate.  I lost my freedom, my childhood, my home in one fell swoop.

It was a few years before my parents bought Five Trees and I had some sense of belonging to a place again.  There were only 9 months or so of exeat weekends at my cousins’ house but it was long enough for me to feel like a displaced person and for that to last lifelong.

It would be twenty years before I owned my childhood longed for horse.  And 30 before I finally had the land and freedom I had craved ever since that early loss.  But even with my own home and farm, animals and horses, losing the parental home has me feeling bereft.

In everyone’s lives there are essential rites of passage – adolescence, deaths, marriage, births, menopause, the sale of the family home, parental deaths.  As my parents let go of that beautiful house, pack up their belongings, disseminate their possessions to charity shops and newly rented accommodation while they try and find their perfect new home, we are all feeling the momentousness of the move.

Home Farm House was a home – it was a lovely warm, welcoming house, with beautiful garden and outlook – the product my parents’ hard work.  I have wept for its loss while hoping it brings great joy and happiness to its new owners.  I was devastated not to be able to get back to the UK for a last hurrah with the whole family in situ together for the final time.

But now that the boxes are packed and everything my parents own is gone and I can see from afar that it is just a house.  It is all that they have and all that they are that make it a home.  A home embodies the energy of the people who inhabit it – it exhibits their souls.  So though my parents have critical eyes and voice their judgements freely, from the love in their home, the sheen on the warm mahogany tables, gleaming floors and welcoming kitchen heart of the home, they demonstrate their warm and loving hearts beneath the masks they have adopted and worn so well.

Those hearts and collection of furniture, paintings and household items go with them.  We will always have a home away from home wherever they are, as long as they live.

Those feelings of devastating loss are just a practice run for when they die.  It is impossible to imagine the hole they will leave in our lives.  Not to have them on the planet anymore – knowing us, loving us, judging us, correcting us, critiquing us, sending us parcels, treating us and our children to new clothes, trips, toys etc.

As much as a home is place of safety and rest for the heart, it is the hearts of the inhabitants that makes a house a home.

The Business of Birth

I pulled my first calf this morning.  That makes me a farmer for sure.  I learned how to do it by reading James Herriott’s books – it just goes to show how useful reading is in later life!

We have been waiting and waiting for Daisy to give birth.  Every morning asking Ben ‘do you think Daisy will have had her calf this morning?’ and then going off for a drive to find her still pregnant, udder full to bursting, waddling on the pasture, unconcerned.  This morning still no calf but as I walked back from the gate where I had been chatting to the fencing man who came to do a quote, I saw that she had started labouring.  All our little herd were around her giving quiet support and protection as she engaged in every animal’s most primal act.

I watched in the sun as she pushed and rested.  Backing up as she pushed, tail held high and then snatching at grass in between times.  After a while I realised she didn’t seem to be making much progress and when she lay down walked over slowly to check.  Two feet still in the sack protruding and no sign of the nose so I grasped the forelegs, broke the bag and tried to pull.  Nothing happened so I put both hands in to feel for the head.  It seemed to be quite a way in and I could feel the tongue lolling out of the mouth and so I pulled with left hand fingers hooked in the jaw and right on one of the forelegs and urged Daisy to push.  One huge heave and the head was out but no signs of life.  Another and the baby was out and on the ground but inert and very dead looking.  I reikied it and stroked it hard and talked to it and exhorted it to live.  Paddy came over and licked it while Daisy rested for a few minutes.  Finally it breathed and the heart started.  It was probably only 2 minutes but it felt like a long time . . . I briefly considered picking it up and shaking it or whirling it around me head but it was pretty heavy so lucky it started breathing without my having to resort to such extremes!

Daisy got up and busied herself with cleaning the ground of the detritus of birth before she attended in any way to her baby.  The calf flopped and wriggled, wet and fish like on the ground, in its first attempts to ‘find its feet’.  Finally Daisy turned her attentions to her child, licking and nudging her to stand and then when she did, cleaning her up as she shivered in the sun and sneezed all the amniotic fluid out of lungs and head.  Daisy was in true primal mode.  Normally she is so placid and relaxed but this was high drama and urgency – cleaning up so as not to attract predators, getting that calf on its feet and moving so it could run away from any attack.  All the other cows were there as a shield, watching with interest, not getting involved, but lending support just by being there.

Daisy expelled the placenta and promptly ate it, scrubbing the grass clean with her tongue.  Still the baby hadn’t had a drink and it was clear that there was a time for everything.

I left them to go for my run and came back to find a girl calf with a full belly happily sucking on her Mother and Dais licking me as if to say ‘thank you’.

But then I wondered – did I need to intervene or was it all unfolding perfectly?  Was I right to get in and help or was I unable, like so many doctors, to just sit and wait and watch and allow and TRUST?

We don’t do trust, us human beings, do we?  We don’t trust nature or ourselves or our children, friends or family.  We don’t trust each other, we don’t trust that there is a force far greater and more powerful than us which rules the heavens, has natural laws and knows far more than we do.  Or is it just that we are so scared – of death, of standing by, of the rawness and urgency of life at its most primal, that we feel we have to DO something, we can’t just sit and wait and be present in the moment and conscious in the flow of life’s great mysteries.

It was a beautiful thing to watch and be part of.  It was a beautiful day.  And now I have more empathy and sympathy for those medicos who insist on pulling and grabbing and cutting and sucking babies out.  It’s fear and awe.  I need to learn to wait and watch and so do they.  I’ll never know whether Daisy needed my intervention this morning or whether she was just fine on her own.  Neither will they.  We all need to trust the Mother, trust the baby, trust the process, trust the forces far greater than us and just enjoy being witness to a miracle.

The children are all in clover!

Tinkerbell has been locked up behind the house for a couple of weeks now as she has laminitis.  She was therefore present for the birth of the baby who will love, master and live with her into her dotage.  She just lay by the back door all through labour and didn’t call out for Baby or make a fuss about her confinement like she normally does as soon as the sun is up.  Instead she was quiet, present and contemplative until Benjamin was safely birthed into her world.

Then Baby came down with it!  First time ever and the result of a crazy clover season.  We all have hundreds of acres of clover at the moment – too much, too rich, for all the stock.  It would seem that after all that rain and our two floods, after ten years of drought, all the dormant seeds in the ground are thriving.  So now we have Two ponies locked up in a very small section of the house paddock, and then, just when Tinkerbell was getting better, she became a three legged horse, literally hopping, and in despair I called the vet out.  She had been up to her normal Houdini escapologist tricks and somehow had severely injured her hip.  That’ll teach her, you would think, not Tinkerbell . . . she may only be hopping but she can still get out!  Electric fence put paid to her shenanigans but what with a new baby, two sick ponies and a dog who is definitely not getting enough attention I was pretty close to reaching the end of my tether . . . !
Macca came and weighed Ben and he has put on HALF A KILO – pretty impressive . . . there’s goodness in them there boobies after all!  There’s no doubt that Master Love is a tit man – those big blue eyes light up every time the milk bar opens and he starts licking his lips . . . I am trying to teach him that it is good etiquette to kiss the girls first, not go straight for the boob!!
And I have discovered that he is a complete groover – he has moves, he has rhythm, he LOVES to dance with his Mummy – will get Ged to take pictures.
All my plans of having three months off work went pretty much straight out of the window and we were working three days after the birth (pretty impressive!) and am now just squeezing it in between feeds – so on a good day I might get two or three solid hours of work under my belt – keeps me on my toes!
Ged went back to work this week, although he had done about 4 days work during his two weeks paternity leave so it didn’t feel like a holiday and nothing got done on the farm, but he and Benjamin just adore each other and he is in charge of winding and soothing the little man, and I take care of the input and while he is at home, the output is all his!!
Gotta go, I hear His Master’s Voice . . .